Only a few A-grade star-studded films can do this to you. They make you clutch your head in despair within just fifteen minutes of walking into the theatre. They make you wonder about the depths to which film-making can sink and they make you ponder about your own sanity! In the recent past, films like Tees Mar Khan and No Problem had achieved that ‘distinction’ and now Bodyguard joins their rank.

The film tells a story of a One-man army kind of a bodyguard (Salman Khan) who is sent on an assignment to protect his benefactor’s daughter (Kareena Kapoor) and who falls in love with an unseen, unknown girl who keeps calling him on his mobile. Is it any surprise that the girl is no one else but the benefactor’s daughter herself? But then there needs to be an emotional twist, too and we dutifully see that in the due course!

Since the writer-director Siddique seems to seriously believe that his sense of humour must appeal to the majority, he decides to devote a major chunk of footage to a debutant comedian (Rajat Rawal), who then tries hard to tickle our funny bone by showing off his overweight body and mouthing some inane double-entendre dialogues! (‘Main ise bum nahi kahoon to kya kahoon? Chewing gum kahoon, drum kahoon, humdum kahoon?’ is one of the ‘shining’ examples of such ‘punch-lines’!) Even more torturous than these bad jokes is the sinking feeling that the director and other crew-members actually believe that audiences would laugh at them!

Ready was an indicator that Salman Khan is erring in his post-Dabbangg- choices and Bodyguard just amplifies that belief ten-fold. The lovable superstar, (and his talented heroine!) do whatever they can to salvage the horribly written film but they just can’t! Yes, Bodyguard is that bad a film! But apparently it is a film that works since this is the third remake of Siddique’s 2010- Malyalam original! So don’t be surprised if it amasses wealth at the box-office.

Someone in his trusted camp should tell Salman that just bashing the baddies by floating in air, flexing his bare body’s every conceivable muscle, cavorting in peppy group-songs and mouthing corny lines is not going to sustain his recent run of success. Who knows perhaps somebody might have already tried doing that and the cocksure Sallu might have told him off by saying: “Mujhpe ek ehsaan karo ki mujhpe koi ehsaan nahi karo!” (Please do me one favour- don’t do any favours!)